One of the great joys of being part of a family guild is that people understand what it’s like to be a gamer who has the greater priorities of a family (wife, hubby, kids) in mind. Folks are more patient when you have to go /afk in the middle of a huge quest chain because Bobby can’t wait another moment for dinner, or because your wife needs five minutes of your undivided attention and love. There isn’t as much eye-rolling when the discussion rolls around to babies (as I’ve experienced as of late), and everyone contributes to making the guild as socially safe and protected as possible, knowing that any one of our children might log on and see what’s going on in guild chat that night.
It’s the MMO equivilent of getting a minivan, I think — that is, seeking out family guilds to join. Not all parents-slash-married folks do, of course, and plenty of single players are attracted to family guild environments and join anyway. But it’s the next step for me, one I’ve been leaning toward ever since I got married back in 2005.
A bit of Syp history, if you’re bored. After college I spent about seven years living as a complete bachelor, enjoying what I thought was the ultimate freedom: to come home to my apartment after work and have absolutely no demands on my time other than what I put on it. I could game from 5pm to 5am if I chose. Weekends and days off were marathon gaming sessions. I did the grind with the best of them, rode to the top of the leveling curve in any guild I joined, and poured myself into officer and GM roles on occasion. I thought it was great, but I was also lonely and looking. Even online games can’t fulfill all needs — just a spare few.
Then I got married, and it was an adjustment. A great one, to be sure, but an adjustment all the same. Suddenly I found myself at war on the inside — half of me excited to be spending my life with a wonderful woman and eager to see what every day with her would be like; the other half resentful of having to give up “bachelor privileges”. My time wasn’t always my own, then. Unless I wanted to sabotage my marriage, I couldn’t just come home and game nonstop, and ultimately, I didn’t want to. I forcibly shoved gaming time down in my list of priorities, gained a more balanced life, and grew happier for it. I was sensitive to my computer/gaming time interfering in our relationship, and for her part, my wife almost never nagged me about it, and sometimes would gift me with blocks of time to play games without any demands of my time.
I had it figured out, I thought. And then a week ago came another adjustment. Just as welcome, just as loved, and just as shocking. Even when you’re ready for it and want it, change is a hard thing, harder for some people than others. You go from having a reliable routine to a taped-together mishmash of possibilities, none of which offers you these huge chunks of gaming time that you vaguely remember from “back in the day”. This past week, a combination of exhaustion, company and diaper changes kept me outside of gaming except for two half-hour segments, of which I was grateful. I don’t resent my son for this adjustment, of course — if I did, man, would I be a sorry example for him. But I won’t lie and say that things are business as usual and I can now juggle three balls with the same ease as two. It takes time.
There’s no great point to this article other than a randomized collection of thoughts from the past week. I’m sincerely glad I wasn’t head over heels for any one game when my wife gave birth; I’m a little proud of the fact that I’m okay now with walking away from all games for extended periods of time if need be; and I’m okay with still gaming and blogging, provided that I keep my priorities straight. Gaming helps a lot with my stress level, and I love the friendships, two things I’d definitely miss if it went away for good.
It’s comforting to me to see that older, more baby-infested households have managed to balance kids and family and work and games together in a package that somehow works. That the median age for video gamers these days is (I believe) 37. That family guilds understand and accomodate according to needs. Maybe it’s terribly uncool or whatever, but Syp will never be a bleeding-edge raider, or a cutthroat PvPer, but just a guy who games on the side.
Hey Syp –
Great post! There are a lot of us – spouses and parents – balancing our gaming time as best we can. I’m 40 w/ a wife and four year-old so I’m just slightly ahead of you in this leveling curve of life. It is a joyous roller coaster of change and gaming gives us a little break and fellowship amidst the fun.
~Kuma
I play with a family-oriented server on TF2 and really enjoy it. I’d love to join up with a “family” guild in any other games I might play. The atmosphere is, like you said, generally more mature and forgiving. I may not be married (though we have 6yrs together and almost 5 of them spent in the same home) or have a kid, but I do get spouse aggro, puppy aggro, and even the occasional parent-phone-call aggro. Gaming with people who understand those kinds of situations and are more forgiving of them would be a nice change of pace.
As a gaming mom to four kids, I can relate! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ninja’d afks in raids or instance runs to do a quick diaper change or refill a sippy cup! I remember long hours holding a sleeping baby and typing with one hand, especially back in my MUDding days.
Wait for retirement dude! You’ll be back into gaming as hardcore as ever
As your kid/s grow up they’ll probably become gamers too, so you’ll get some leet LAN type family games in. Also, when the little ones move out of home, you’ll probably use online gaming as the main form of communication with them. So technically, it’s in your best interests to stay in practice
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babies have fingers – keyboards are designed for fingers: i’m working on this at the moment, but the math looks promising…
adjusting is hard, although demands on me are no where near the demands on you and i’m not gonna pretend that i can sympathise…
e.g. i’m spending a lot more time with my gf after i moved closer to where she stays. instead of 2-3 evenings a week absorbed in games, i’ll maybe have 2-3 hours in random evenings to cram as much gamey goodness as i can.
the rest is spent cooking, watching tv, doing something of interest with my girlfriend…
i dont like tv, i can’t cook and i mostly find games interesting…
it’s tough, shouldn’t work but i’m definately happier for it.
The funny thing is, you can try to convey the scale of the change, but you can’t, you just have to let people find out.
The only thing I would say, is both you and your wife apologise to each other for the next year as things settle down. Since you will never get annoyed at your baby boy, but any frustrations you feel, will come out against each other. No matter how strong the bond.
I hope you have family near by, who can babysit. This will make life a lot easier for you both.
Ah the good old days of 46 hour smelly gameing sessions
Now with wife and kid(s) 2nd one on the way, it is hard to find time for my favorite hobby. But my wife is SUPER supportive.
Tuesday nights are game night. I get a good 3 hours on vent playing Warhammer with the boys. About half of us have kids, and the other half are RL friends so everyone understands.
I sometimes miss the old bachelor days, I may even want to go visit for a weekend, but I would never want to go live there
As a single guy, I still prefer guilds which cater to people with families. If I have to beg off of attending a guild event because I know that the type of people who join these guilds understand responsibility. So, whether I have to walk the dog, paint the living room, or mow the lawn, I’m more likely to get a little slack from people with mortgages and kids than I am from a college kid who has a collection of beer bongs on his desk.
I have been there, is not going to be the same, but still is going to be sweet! when the little baby start to leveling, is going to be better than any cool epic loot.