Ten Features Of The Recently Announced Twilight MMORPG

HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT THIS ABOMINATION?

Oh yes… there is going to be a Twilight MMO. And we here at Bio Break have received exclusive details of some of its features:

Every player will assume the role of a vapid, empty soul of a person who is nonetheless highly desired by all he/she meets. NPCs will be throwing themselves at your feet and fawning over you, so that you can ignore them in search for your one true love.
Who will be either: a werewolf or a vampire. Coming in the first expansion pack: mummy love!
Totally awesome AI will have your love interest periodically check in with you to do one of the following: tell you how hard it is not to kill you, admit to stalking you, being completely rude because of your intoxicating smell (once you have leveled up your Odor Factor to 10 or higher), or place you in harm’s way and abandon you.
Cutting-edge particle and bloom effects for vampire sparkles.
Two incredible classes: simpering victim and Mary Sue placeholder.
Your computer’s webcam will watch you while you’re offline and sleeping, and let other players peek in on the fun!
Earn enough favor with the Cullen faction to receive your very own “piggy back” flight through the trees!
PvP: Vampire Baseball!
State-of-the-art rolling in the meadows technology, including a Gazing Deeply Index(tm).
Hero classes: if you go on enough quests and endure enough trivial, poorly-written walls of text, you may convince a vampire to make you one of their own!

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24 thoughts on “Ten Features Of The Recently Announced Twilight MMORPG”

I thought Twilight was widely adored by you Jesus freaks.

I can’t really explain why, but this news just wrecked my day. Awesome.

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Everything on this article is complete inaccurate, and should be counted as only rumor. There is no mention of an MMO being developed by us. The website doesn’t even state that an MMO is being developed. Also this information was not obtained from me or anyone on the academic project development team.

~Brandon

Is it horrible that I have yet to read the Twilight books or see the movie? And a Twilight MMO just sounds like… a nightmare.

/twitch

The ironic thing is that this craptastically sparkly MMO will probably end up being the one that kills WoW.

THIS IS AN ABOMINATION!

I.. don’t know what to say. Looking forward to all the lulz this may bring.

(whoa, first comment here – been stalking for a while )

I’d appreciate a True Blood MMO a whole lot more, but overall you’ve just expressed why a Vampire MMO is probably a bad idea.

I wonder if CCP will ever release World of Darkness.

Just for the record:

http://kotaku.com/5325197/is-there-really-a-twilight-mmo

Wasn’t this in Revelation?

@ Jennifer – Erm… no? I can’t speak for the whole family or anything, but I tend to take things on their face value. A book/movie series that condones stalking, emotional dependence on someone who keeps saying they want to kill you, and a completely stupid way of looking at love does not deserve adoration.

Brandon: Are you saying that you do have the licence then? Because I roll to disbelieve, that has to cost an absolute fortune.

MMO Rolling in the Meadows? Too many possibilities!

1. Oh darling! Oof! Excuse us! My love! Pardon!

2. This might be interesting to an entirely different group of people.

3. Might be best if this were heavily instanced.

Boris

I think I just threw up in my mouth.

You sure know a lot about Twilight! Hmmm…

Thank goodness this has already been blasted and debunked. Especially when Syp already posted about why a Harry Potter MMO hasn’t already been made.

Twilight is one of the most harmful franchises (if not THE most harmful) to be released in years. I agree 100% with Syp that it deserves no attention, as its “values” are subversive and detrimental even when taken at face value. I went to an academic conference this year (the Pop Culture/American Culture Association), and every scholar I saw who looked at Twilight beneath the surface came to the same conclusion: there was nothing beneath the surface.

I wrote earlier this month on why Twilight is harmful, even when taken at face value: http://www.professorbeej.com/2009/07/subversion-in-mindless-silly-fun-why.html

My wife reads “vampire” novels of all sorts. Having tried to read the Twilight series she said they are crap. And she’s no Anne Rice devotee … she reads all kinds of books and has a fairly open mind to books. She’s not a snob about certain genres.

From what I know the author of the Twilight series doesn’t even like vampires. Her books prose is very simplistic and the writing style isn’t very good. For vampire diehards (not me) this series totally deviates from the typical mythos. It’s dumbed down for mass appeal and sorry … I don’t get the hype. The main character in the flick looks ridiculous. Nice hair, dude. Glam vampyre!

Twilight is doing for vampires what Harry Potter did for wizards. Only Twilight is not as well done as the Potter books.

My mom, 62 years old, is in a book club made up of women in their 50′s and 60′s. About a year ago, she was told that the book they were suppose to read was “Twilight” and that it was on the New York Times Best Sellers List. She gets the book and then realizes it’s about teenage vampires. My mom hates vampires and she can’t figure out why they would have chosen this book. Then she thinks, “There couldn’t be two books on the New York Times Best Sellers List called “Twilight” could there?” Sure enough there was another and this one is about the sexual awakening of a middle-aged woman in post WWII France. The best part is when she went to the next meeting, one of the women had actually read the teenage vampire book, and couldn’t understand why they had assigned such an immature book.

Ruined your day? This is the best thing I’ve heard in ages.

I’m 99.9% sure this is false, but god I hope it isn’t.

Even though it’s incredibly pathetic, the amount of ridicule (and thus, the amount of laughs for the majority of the internet population) this would have to endure makes it all worth it.