If there is one question I get more than any others, it’s usually, “Syp, dude, how do you do it? How do you juggle writing, work, gaming, and family?”
The answer often is, “Not perfectly, but I’m learning.”
For a long time I lived as a bachelor, and aside from work, my time was my own. But enter a wife, two (soon to be three) kids, and other responsibilities, and that time becomes less my own and more others. Which is cool. Whenever I’m feeling aggravated by all of the things I have to do before getting around to some personal fun time, I remember just how lonely I used to be, and how much more balanced and fulfilled I am now.
So in thinking about this, I came up with a few personal lessons that I’ve been learning over the past few years as a gamer who’s become a married father. How can you balance it? Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1. Readjust expectations of playtime
Once you have kids, your free time is going to suffer. It’s not a bad thing, but it is inevitable and you have to make peace with that fact as soon as possible. My spouse and my kids take priority over gaming, and I have to constantly check myself to make sure I’m keeping it that way.
I’ll be honest: In the beginning, I did experience moments of bitterness toward these other people in my life who were being demanding of my time. That was the bachelor in me trying in vain to hold on to a way of life that was waving bye-bye. But I realized that as much as I like games, they’re just a hobby and incapable of satisfying my needs the way that my family and faith do.
So I readjusted my expectations of my playtime. I no longer had time to do huge gaming marathons. My gaming sessions were often going to be short. And with that, my play style and goals were going to have to shift accordingly.
I’ve actually found that having restrictions on my game time has made me appreciate it far more than when I could gorge on it. I’m reminded of one of my favorite verses from the Bible: “If you find honey, don’t eat too much, or it will make you throw up.” (Prov. 25:16). Solomon was talking about the importance of moderation, especially in regards to good things. MMOs are my honey. A little can be savored and appreciated; a lot can make me feel regretful and wondering why I just “wasted” a whole day on a game.
2. Keep family time free of gaming
This is a very important personal rule I try to follow. If people are home and awake, I don’t game. Period. I spend family time doing family stuff, even if it’s just sitting together watching a movie or eating dinner. This works out for me since everyone but me in my household goes to sleep fairly early. Even if they didn’t, I would hate to send a message to my wife and kids that I’d rather be playing a game than being with them. So I just make that block of time game-free, and I’m cool with it.
It certainly helps to join guilds that are either understanding of this or are largely family-oriented themselves. Guildies who understand that sometimes a kid wakes up and needs attention are invaluable to hang with, because it takes a lot of the pressure off having to be in the game every second.
3. Have a spouse who understands that this is your hobby
While it may seem like some crazy logic, it’s actually good for married couples to have their own hobbies and interests that are separate from their spouse’s. Having that “me time” helps to recharge personal batteries while making the “us time” more valuable and interesting.
My wife, by and large, is not an MMO gamer. She’s played them, but she doesn’t have the sustained interest in them to stay in the genre. What’s fascinating to me, in terms of games and news, is kind of boring to her. It’s just how it is. But she understands this is my hobby and supports me in it, which means sometimes she gives me some extra time to just game or listens patiently while I babble about the latest and greatest.
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s so vital as a gamer not to be in a relationship where games are seen as vying for your spouse’s affection or as the antagonist that’s threatening. If there’s communication, priorities, understanding, and compromise, gaming as a hobby can very much be an asset to a relationship instead of a detriment.
4. Be okay with not being the best
Because of my limited gaming time, I have had to come to terms that I will never, ever be the best in MMOs. I won’t have the time to develop mad skills or grind the best gear or even hit the level cap in all of the games I play. Some games will be sampled, some devoured, but all will feature me as a middle-class adventurer. And that’s okay.
It’s here that I have to make sure I don’t compare myself to that guy in the guild who hit the cap in two days and has been farming purples ever since. I realize that the more games I sample, the less I’m going to advance in any single one. And if I’m going to fully explore a game or gear up, I know that it’s going to take much, much longer than it used to be.
Again, that’s okay. Games are temporary pursuits; fun, engaging, relaxing, memorable — but temporary. Family is much more enduring than that, and I’m content to invest my time, skills, and grinding abilities right there.
You’re saying this because your wife reads you blog, aren’t you?
Have a spouse who games. Problem solved.
Wow. I am a father of three, and this is pretty much how I’d have described my gaming habits.
Everything is in there, even the partner having other hobbies. As a sidenote about that one: You must give the same support for her hobbies, and you must even give up some of your own to support her in whatever she does. It’s only fair that way.
I’m good with all poins but #4. Not that I’ve ever been the best, even in my prime gaming days, but I was a hell of a lot better, haha! Playing competitive PvP games like League of Legends can be pretty frustrating when I’m so inconsistent due to a very light gaming schedule (compared to yesteryear). You can only be so good at a game when you maybe average 1.5 matches per day.
As a late twenty something woman who games, this is one of the things that scares the BEJEBUS out of me. I see plenty of father gamers in mmo’s and RPGs but hardly any mothers. I understand kids take up an extra huge part of your life but I’m worried I’d have to give up some if what makes me me.
Pretty well, I’m too selfish for kids yet. And to you, Mr Syp, I take my cap off. Good for you, that you’ve managed to find a balance
To expand on #3, I’ve found not being a sports fan helps a lot. For the longest time my wife used to make fun of me for gaming, constantly asking when I would “out grow” it. She had thought/hoped that when we had a baby that would be the end of my time in front of the computer.
But then she realized something: local relatives wouldn’t come and visit us, and the baby, on Sundays. Why? Football. Unlike my father, her father and most every other male relative, I didn’t spend all weekend in front of the TV watching “the game.” I spent it with her and our little one while limiting my play-time to non-family time. “When are you going to out-grow videogames” quickly turned into “I’m so glad you’re a geek instead of a sports fan.”
@kelly we are here
Like Syp I keep game time separate from family time – so currently I tend to fit in some gaming while my pre-schooler is at nursery and once he’s in bed. I did even manage to raid for a few months, though we (and my gamer other half) had to swap attendances as you can’t concentrate on raids AND listen out for baby (I couldn’t anyway!) 
Once they’re in a routine and sleeping you can start resuming some of your old lifestyle and things start settling back down. Yes, having a child/children obviously changes your life but it doesn’t necessarily mean giving up the stuff you enjoy doing.
great article Syp, it really resonated with me
As a happily married father of three, I’ll just second what you’ve noted here, Syp. Thanks for the writeup!
…though I might add that I do play games *with* my kids, especially Minecraft. It’s actually a lot of fun.
We’re all at different stages, whether single, married with yound children, or like me, with teens and grown-up that basically entertain themselves. I am also lucky to have a wonderful wife who is also an avid gamer. Her time is more split than mine, with working on a degree, etc., but we find time to play together, and enjoy each other’s company in the reall world, too.
You’re so right, Syp. Balance is the key. And Kelly, I strongly suggest you get out on Twitter. I know a ton of gaming moms.
Have a partner who, if anything, plays MMOs even more manically than you do and have children old enough to have left home
That picture brings back so many memories. I spent a good 6 months of my sons early life holding him in one arm and playing a necro summoner in D2 with the other(because it was the only class that didn’t require fast skill switching with the left hand).
My son was born shortly before WoW came out. Needless to say although I have been playing since release day, Cataclysm is the first expansion where I have actually raided and its like a whole new game. It may seem like you will never have personal time again with a new kid in the house, but before you know it they will be sitting in the chair next to you asking which mob to polymorph. (son has a 85 mage)
Enjoy your kids while they are young – they will grow up in no time.
Great post, Syp! As a father of 2, I find my gaming schedule wonky and late as I only game after the little ones are sleeping. All of your points are valid, but the most important is to remember how valuable that family time is and keep gaming as honey, or icing on an awesome cake!
It is a huge blessing to have a loving family and the luxury of such a dynamic evolving hobby for me time!
My position is similar, but with less kids. Ars. Ardwulf does occasionally dabble in the MMOs. Still, it’s not so much a balancing act as you’ve got to have your priorities straight.
On the other hand, I like my alternate theory that there is actually a whole team of people who act as “Syp.” That guy on the podcasts? Voice actor.
It’s hard enough just being married. My wife isn’t naggy at all, nor does she feel compelled to watch over my shoulder as I game. For me, it’s a matter of perspective–we don’t have much time together as it is, so when I have free time, I like spending it with her instead of locked inside another room with headphones on giggling with my buddies on Ventrilo.
I can only imagine the difficulty of doing that with kids, too.
In addition, it’s hard to have other hobbies while balancing a family, gaming, and work, too. As a writer, I have to find time for that, too. And exercise, since fitness has become a huge part of my life now. There comes a point where you just have to place limitations on what you expect, like you said, and be okay with that. Not being the best is one of them. Not being able to experience every piece of content when it is new could be another. In terms of console gaming, it may be something like waiting for sales and experiencing new games on a delay.
I really respect you, Syp, for being able to pull it off. I hope I can, too, when the time comes.
Great post
I too am a gamer, husband, and father. Wife hates my gaming habit but deals with it. I know I’m not alone out there.
Couldn’t have said it better.
Family > any game.
My two children grew up somewhat parallel with WoW, and, as much fun as I had with that game, I tried to never to let it get in the way of quality time with my family. Thank goodness they invented illuminated keyboards for late night gaming.
Now that both of my kids are in school, the shoes on the other foot and I have to talk to them about maintaining a healthy balance between things they have to do, the people they care about, and their entertainment choices.
Great post! I’ve got some photos of my daughter on my lap along with the laptop like that. She would only sleep on people, and once she was down, I couldn’t really move around.
When my daughter was born, my gaming friends threw me a going away party, it was obvious to them i’d have to adjust my schedule accordingly. I’m able to find a balance very similar to yours, but I’m only recently tackling blogging on top of it.