(This is part of my journey playing through Ultima VII. You can follow the entire series on the Nostalgia Lane page.)
I’ll admit, I’m really ready to hit the road and get out of this eternal suburban nightmare here in Ultima VII. However, there are a few last preparations and sights that need to be seen before I head out on all of the quests that I’m supposed to be doing. As a side note, man I wish this game had a quest journal or mission log!
Might as well poke around the rest of Lord British’s castle while I’m here. I find it strangely hilarious that the nursery that LB is so irritated about is literally ten steps away from his throne room. I’d be grumpy too if I had to smell poopy diapers and hear mewling infants cry all day while I worked. Oh wait, I already do. Nevermind then.
As a side note, the character portraits in this game are like a study in hideous art. Look at that “toddler” up there — it’s like the baby chest mutant from Total Recall. So many times have I encountered hideous visages in Ultima VII while the game tells me how fetching or handsome this person is. Maybe the art staff and the writers never met together, or perhaps there was a blood feud going on between them.
Why this wasn’t one of the box feature bullet points, I’ll never know. “Ultima VII: Now with realistic diaper-changing systems!” Seriously lady? You don’t even know me and I’m bristling with weapons! Am I really the go-to person for your fecal disposal needs? But of course I go ahead and change the diaper because I would be driven mad wondering what would have happened if I did not. Probably nothing. Perhaps the end of the world in a tsunami of toddler poo.
It also goes without saying that the nursery assistant is a large talkative mouse:
The last thing we need to do in the castle is to get to the equipment room that Lord British was talking about. This is easier said than done, because the game hates me. First I needed to get a key from the study. Next, there’s one room that can be unlocked that opens up a secret passageway inside of the walls that runs around the perimeter of the castle. I envision that Lord British prowls this corridor after people have gone to sleep, spying on them. Think I’m exaggerating? Every single room — bedroom, study, etc. — has a secret access door to this passage. What else would it be used for?
Move some barrels, find another switch, go upstairs, and there it is. Sweet loot for the taking! It’s worth the hassle, because I can gear up the Avatar in grade-A plate mail, not to mention a new musket for Spark.
British? We outta here!