The Imperial Army wants YOU (and 5,000 other NPCs)

In my journeys through the Empire in SWTOR, I’ve met up with a gobton of Imperial officers and soldiers.  Like, many many more than I thought I’d be encountering in a Star Wars MMO.  I don’t know why, but I was assuming that a good portion of my journey would be separate from the militaristic side of things, but it seems like every planet is involved in the war in some way or other, and as a result, the uniforms are everywhere.

Now, some NPCs really do stand out — particularly in the main planet or class storylines — but there’s just as many disposable red shirts out there.  I won’t deny that.  I’ve even come up with internal names for the Imperial models BioWare trots out, including:

  • Morbidly obese officer
  • Female officer whose chesticular region warps the straight lines on the uniform (and, oddly enough, the pens in pockets if she has them)
  • Soldier with mutton-chops (I call him Civil War Stu)
  • Darth Whosits with his pointy shoulderpads and dripping eye makeup
  • Lord Bathrobe
  • “Hurt” soldier with realistic side-holding action (if a character is clutching their liver, that’s BioWare code for injured and/or dying, even if they were shot in the head)
  • Dude who has the same exact facial scar I do and that drives me nuts

Also, a special shout-out to the little droids that talk in equations way too fast, and as a result I can never get the full read on what they’re saying.


9 thoughts on “The Imperial Army wants YOU (and 5,000 other NPCs)

  1. Wilhelm Arcturus February 16, 2012 / 4:31 pm

    Playing the game would probably just ruin the mental images that these names bring forth.

    Ah, my esteemed Lord Bathrobe, what can I do for you?

  2. Tremayne February 17, 2012 / 2:38 am

    Lord Bathrobe – a Sith cruelly passed over for promotion within the order because not even a fully-versed dark side adept could say Darth Bathrobe without sniggering…

  3. Tyrion February 17, 2012 / 8:08 am

    Everytime I see Civil War Stu, it makes me curse myself for not giving my character equally awesome sideburns.

  4. Julie Whitefeather February 17, 2012 / 10:03 am

    There are two things that you can always be assured of with imperial military. First, they are everywhere. And second, like all facists, they seem to have the best tailors.

  5. rowan February 17, 2012 / 10:33 am

    I am seriously considering reroling my very low level Jedi Knight with spectacular sideburns.

    And Re: the Droids, yes. Why do I get five minutes per subtitle to read normal English, but thre second to read stilted phrases interspersed with math signs?

  6. theerivs February 17, 2012 / 11:45 am

    The Empire love Fat People…YES!!!

  7. Adventurer Historian February 17, 2012 / 12:07 pm

    My male smuggler has the most spectacular sideburns in the galaxy. Just like Stu.

    But seriously, I have the problem where, when I’m building a new character, I’m like “man, I can’t use that face or that hairstyle, because some NPC I hate used ’em.”

  8. Stormwaltz February 19, 2012 / 3:36 am

    “Lord Bathrobe”
    I think I just found my next PC name.

  9. snickeringcorpses February 21, 2012 / 9:32 am

    Civil War Stu made me think of my LOTRO Captain, who has what my grandfather used to call a “horseshoe haircut” (bald on top and forehead with a ring of hair around the back and sides) coupled with a magnificent handlebar mustache and sideburns. I refer to him as the Sergeant Major, because he reminds me of all the old 19th century British Sergeants Major in movies with their enormous mustaches.

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