Star Control 2: Cuddly vs. cowardly

spathi

(This is part of my journey going checking out Star Control 2. You can follow the entire series on the Retro Gaming page.)

In order to curry favor with the cowardly, neurotic Spathi, I am given the near-impossible task of going to their home planet and ridding it of all of the “Evil Ones” that forced the Spathi into an organized retreat hundreds of years ago. My crew, of which only about 50% remain in our current voyage, is totally psyched to have this task ahead of them. Never a pleasure planet, eh?

bio

Heading over to the homeworld, I do a biological scan and pull up a few dozen life signs. Y’know, some in the water, some not, just scattered about. The terrain on planets doesn’t seem to matter for object placement or your lander, so I guess it’s just scenery.

Of course, the fact that the Evil Ones(tm) aren’t nearly at the technological level of the Spathi make me wonder why the Spathi couldn’t just nuke them from orbit. Or ask their Ur’Quan masters for some help. Or create robots to do their bidding. Why wait until I show up? It doesn’t make sense.

So let’s get a good look at these Evil Ones. STEEL YOURSELF, GENTLE READER, FOR YOU ARE ABOUT TO FACE TRUE HORROR!

evilone

FALSE ALARM EVERYONE. THE SPATHI ARE COMPLETE WIMPS.

Seriously, these are the cutest, most cuddliest alien bad guys ever. I want to hug all of them! But instead, I zap them with my lander’s laser, which transforms them into containers for convenient pick-up. Sure. Why not.

It’s not a particularly hard task, just somewhat time-consuming. The Evil Ones, such as they are, won’t move or attack unless you make contact with them. If you do that, your lander gets one-shotted. So it’s kind of a little tricky to make sure you don’t accidentally run into one, which is actually a problem since you only get this teeny-tiny window showing a short radius around your lander. It’s one of the more annoying aspects of this game’s design and I can’t believe that the devs thought it was a good idea to banish all surface action to 1/15th of the screen.

noble

We’re going to dump these Evil Ones into your rec room and see what happens, you dorks.

honor

How cowardly are the Spathi? To repopulate the presumably cleansed planet (although they don’t 100% believe me on this), they’re going to send the babies and old people first. I can’t even make this up, folks.

The Spathi then start dragging their feet on joining my alliance as promised. They ask for me to wait “ten, fifteen years tops” to resettle their homeworld. NUH UH. No way. That’s the final straw. I threaten to unload all of the Evil Ones on the Spathi, and they finally capitulate and agree to head to Earth to join the alliance. Well, we got the cowards on our side, so that’s something. Not much, but something.

game

Heading back to Earth, I bump into another Spathi unit that talks about passing the time by playing this “entertainment device” that sounds identical to, well, Star Control 2. Meta humor, boys and girls!

spathi

With just three (!) units of fuel remaining, I limp back into the solar system and make my way to the space station. At least the Spathi have held to their agreement and made their ships and captains available for purchase. Not that I’m going to buy any, but good to know. I offload all of my cargo and reap in a ton of RUs, which I use for resupply.

ship

My flagship is definitely coming along. I’m able to add a couple more fuel pods, doubling my range, and another crew pod, increasing my “health” to 100. Plus, more storage, turning jets, and fusion thrusters. I’m a legend.

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