Space Quest V: Killing time at the Spacebar

(This is part of my journey going playing through 1993’s Space Quest V: The Next Mutation. You can follow the entire series on the Retro Gaming page.)

The crew of the Eureka is tired and frazzled (from what? Roger’s the one who’s been handling all the work and threats of execution), so the ship heads over to the famed Spacebar. You get it? Like the thing on your keyboard? But a bar? GET IT? You better get it. At least Droole and what’s-her-name are pretty excited to have some R&R.

Welcome to the Spacebar. It’s not that remarkable, but it does capture the Marriott conference room feeling of Star Trek: The Next Generation pretty well. And yes, for real, Space Quest V was sponsored by Sprint, so that logo pops up all over the place. There isn’t much to do here other than order drinks, so that’s what the crew does.

Spoiling the bland atmosphere is the arrival of Captain Quirk and his toupee (they really went to town on Bill Shatner here), who picks a fight of words with Roger and then ultimately challenges him to a duel on the battle cruiser simulator nearby.

It’s… Battleship. Pretty much just Battleship, and as exciting as you remember Battleship being. Kind of wish I didn’t have to play through a full game of this, but then again, back in 1993 it wasn’t like there was the internet or texts to place an urgent call on our attention. We were probably desperate to be bored like this. Anyway, this took me way, way, way too long and I don’t appreciate that I had to waste time in my life on it.

Cliffy getting into a fight at a bar? What is this, Cheers? Begone with you, Cliffy, and the cigar you rode in on!

A diversion is needed to bust Cliffy out of the brig, and that diversion is — obviously — dumping space monkeys into a drink to make them hatch and float all over the place, reproducing like crazy.

Sure, we COULD rescue Cliffy… or we could just wait and sees what happens when uncontrollable space monkeys overpopulate a closed environment. Answer: Nothing good. After a long while, the station fills up with the cute green buggers and explodes.

In the *second* timeline, Roger uses Spike to acid up the cell bars and help free Cliffy right before everything explodes with pregnant green life. That’s more than enough “relaxation” for the crew, so back to work they go!

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