OK, I fully admit that I don’t have the first idea of what I’m doing in Elder Scrolls Online. My gear is a mish-mash of plate armor, ascots, cardigans, leather strips, and chafe-inducing thongs. Yes, thongs plural. If I’m given a task and a direction, I’ll just start making a beeline for it according to my compass, no matter what’s in the way. Let’s say that if I operated a motor vehicle like this, my car would be plowing through marshland and nursing home with impunity.
Am I playing right? There’s some sort of main questline about a god losing his powers, but I keep getting distracted by quest chains picked up along the way. Should I be spreading out my power usage for skill ups? I keep spamming my basic cliff diver animal summons in the hope of one day earning a bear. I assume that if I get a bear, I win the game and become the new raid boss. I think I’d make a great raid boss. I’m perfect with pointless speeches in the middle of looking pompous.
In a way, being so clueless is liberating. I’m just experiencing, not worrying about optimal leveling paths or looking for something different than what I’ve done before. And Elder Scrolls Online is, so far, a great game to just play tourist. It’s pretty, it’s amusing, and you can pretty much loot everything. Of course, most all of the loot is worthless, but if the price of chipped plates ever skyrockets, then I’m going to be a rich man.
One thing I do know is that this man right here must die. I’m not an idiot, I know that I just immigrated to an entire island of elves and that I’m going to have to pretend to be on their side once in a while before my master revenge plan is complete. But I have to draw the line when it comes to helping some sort of defective elf god restore his powers.
No. flipping. way. My theory? You take the head elf down and the full elf kingdom will fall. Elves will be sucked into the abyss and I will plunder their ill-gotten loot. Now how to kill him? That… I am working on. It might take some doing. I don’t care what people saying about this doofus being so incredibly powerful, we could probably dogpile him with a thousand noobs and chisel his health bar down to nothing. After that, my bear’s going to eat him as a pre-bedtime snack.
What I am genuinely enjoy the most are the quests and dialogue. I don’t know what it is, but ESO has very engaging quest lines. The characters, their conversations with you, and their scripting pops. It’s not as belabored as FFXIV or as stilted as SWTOR, just enough to have some fun, make its point, and keep the story moving. I was pretty surprised how many of these quests featured scripting and mid-quest conversations. Even little epilogue vignettes!
The mind-controlling spiders who wanted victims to dance was decidedly odd and interesting, particularly when the questgiver turned out to be an incredibly snobby Breton rich lady with little regard for her servants’ well-being. Maybe I can recruit her in my war against elves.
It’s even pretty funny at times. This guy’s an even worse fibber than I am.