The No Elf Club

What the heck, real life?

What the heck, real life?

So Arbitrary and Zizlak are on board with me for this whole hating-elves thing, and I agree with them — we need to make it official.  So sign up for the No Elf Club to show your support of fantasy racial hatred against the scum of the snooty realms here!  Or somewhere else!  Just say no to Legolas, Keeblers and Drizzle (or whatever his name is, don’t care to look it up).

For my part, here’s a respost of an old WAAAGH! article I did on Why I Hate Elves:

Let me explain, since some of you seem “confounded” that I’m not a fan of these fantasy staples. You might be, and that’s fine for you, but this is Syp Space, and in Syp Space, Syp’s Succulent Sayings Soothe Swell. ish.

First of all, elves are to the light side of fantasy as vampires are to the dark side. That is to say, they’re brooding, tall, arrogant, basically immortal, and not too fond of humans. Snobbish, pretty much. Elitist. Far more racist than the other species. Cold and usually emotionless, which is where Star Trek’s elf — Mr. Spock — got his whole dealie from.

When they show up, it’s usually to do one of the two following things: (a) give humanity a lecture about how we’re using trees for fuel and how we’re rending sweet Mother Earth to shreds without a pause, and (b) to show everyone up. You can shoot a bow? Goodie — elfie can shoot one a billion more yards than you. You have spent your entire childhood learning the secrets of the forest and how to track prey? Pshaw — elfie has a GPS made out of tree sap and squished bugs that can give turn-by-turn directions.

So that’s a good start, right? Gee, I can’t IMAGINE why I might hesitate to fall at their feet in adulation!

Then you have the elf love of All Things Nature. Ugh. Now, I appreciate the vistas and quirks of God’s creation just as much as the next suburbanite who kills spiders intruding inside their home, but elves tend to go to the Nth degree with their tree-hugging, flower-flinging naturefest. In fact, they love nature so very much that I’m surprised that any elf babies are ever conceived, if you get my drift.

As a fantasy staple, elves have just been done to death. Tolkien, D&D, Warhammer, Warcraft, almost every MMO that offers a selection of multiple races. Heck, even City of Heroes has elves! Elves have proven so overwhelmingly popular that they just dominate any game they’re included in; I guess people just love being tall and willowy and deadly with a bow and arrow (elves don’t have a lot of people in the service industry).

Even dark/night/evil/Drow elves aren’t that far off the beaten cliche — they tend to be shadowy assassins, all mopey and arrogant and probably wearing an eyepatch like the unjolliest pirate in the world.

We all know how certain classes (rogues) tend to attract certain types of players (loot-stealing jerks); elves tend to attract some very scary cross-sections of the player demographic. Namely, the “Please get me out of this ROOM before I stab myself in the EYE because this renaissance faire reject won’t shut up about how Drizz’t and his 99 Ears has attuned his heart to the core of the forest and can sing the song of the butterfly!” demographic. Now, that’s stereotyping and all in good fun, but I’ve generally found that elf players tend to scare me and/or repel me with an intense self-absorbed fascination of how Awesome they are.

Plus, and lets face it, how many truly “cool” elves are there? Orlando Bloom we’ve mentioned, but we’ll also dismiss. Keebler? Santa’s Helpers? Dobby? Please.

That’s why I’m not a fan of elves, and I haven’t even mentioned how a pack of feral elves came into my house on Christmas Day and ate my dog. Happy day, no matter what side I pick in WAR, I get to kill me some!

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26 thoughts on “The No Elf Club

  1. I must agree, I wonder how Elves could get that popular. Vampires on the other hand are almost as much cliché, too, right.

    Many young players do not know how much they disgust other players with thousands of variations of the name Legolas! :)

  2. That picture will haunt my nightmares for days to come! Back when we played LOTRO, my husband and I once ran into a guy named “Legomyeggolas” and about died laughing. I’m with you on the elf thing, though Dobby is more of a gobbo than an elf, don’t you think?

  3. I hate elves as well. The fact that if I wanted to play a bow-class in Warhammer WITHOUT a pet, I had to choose an elf, it really killed me on the inside. I hate elves, a lot, for all the reasons you stated and more.

    Sometimes, I want to just go back to EQ2 and make a Barbarian Ranger, so I don’t have to look at my tree-hugging hippy flicking arrows at whoever comes along.

  4. Heh…. How about the Elves of the Hobbit? Jolly, laughing, singing, good counselors. Always made me think of Santa’s elves more than fantasy elves. Anyway, I’d love the chance to rethink them and the societal place they inhabit.

  5. On WAR launch day, I tried to make a Black Orc named Legolas just to piss people off. But I didn’t get it in time. :(

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  7. I play elves in every game just to get under the elf haters skin and so i can be racists against short dirty and foul dwarfs.

    I like Tolkien’s elves in particular as they are modeled after Scandinavians of which i can relate to very well.

    That and I’m just inclined to be a tree hugger any way and almost always any nature based class is always an elf.

  8. Stab me with a spoon and call me Cindy Cliche then, because I like elves *and* vampires.

    Just not the way they’re portrayed in almost everything and by almost everyone. :P

  9. You’re right, I’m sorry. I did not mean to besmirch our sparkly brooding kings and queens of the night, lest they brood in my general direction.

  10. 100% agree. I dispise elves. When I started WaR, I thought the swordmaster looked interesting but couldn’t get past lvl 3. I couldn’t stand looking at my character …

  11. Saying no to elves is part of what led me to Age of Conan. Weeellll… here I am now, making peace and playing in Lord of the Rings Online.

    I’m pretty sick of elves, but I give Tolkien works a pass I guess.

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  13. /signed for Elf Hate.

    /unsigned if you pick on the Vamps again!

    (Vampires rule..and so do Zombies…ah heck…all Undead is awesome)

  14. *holds up a sign for Elf love* =P

    I however hate the zomgelvesrsuperkewl fanboys/girls. I’m not going to pick an elf just because it’s an elf all the time. *whacks the rabid fans with her sign*

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  17. The picture you just posted pritty much summs up why I hate elfs. They are over played, yes so are vampires. But what I hate most is the Drow/Dark elf races you see in every RP since there sucess in the old Dungeons and dragons. The elf that thinks its a vampire. Its as gay as to old men dirty dancing.
    The people chose elf characters because they wana play something better than human but still realitivly human. Elfs have it all dexterity, looks, longevity. There faster, smarter. they dominate society’s rich, there technoligy/magic is sumhow suppirior. And they can do all this with out lossing touch with the forests and fearie background. Of course it attracks loosers who would give there left nut just to be accepted. But who needs acceptance if you could just play a elf and show everyone else up.

  18. To some extent, I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said, though I still love elves. They’re portrayed snobbishly a lot, which does kind of bug me, but if played correctly can be pretty awesome. Personally, I’m a fan of the drow. Drow aren’t ‘gay’ as the poster a few spots above suggested. They’re a pretty beefy race, which is one of the things I like about them. (I’m talking strictly DnD elves, btw.)

    I agree that elves have been overdone a bit :s Too much of a good thing makes people get tired of it.

    And @syp “our sparkly brooding kings and queens of the night”
    Vampires. Do not. SPARKLE. -.-

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